Otherwise Maladroit

23 July 2001 Insecurities

23 July 2001

Insecurities

I believe that the present world system can be improved. I believe that Capitalism is a faulty system of material reality that grew out of the less nobler instincts of humankind, however I feel that I cannot blame the proponents of Capitalism for their beliefs. They have their own unique experiences that have made their convictions and I think that whatever kinks there are in the present world system was born out of "cause and effect" and not of malicious intent. I think that I may be gravitating towards a socialist view in my interpretation of everyday life. Specifically, I think that I am becoming a Libertarian Socialist. I have come to this conclusion because I do not like the thought of too much power being monopolized, leaving the rest of us high and dry. Libertarian Socialists oppose all forms of hierarchy whether it is Capitalist or Communist. This view states that the concentration of power leads to the oppression of the majority in a society. Society is in fact a trap because it forces specific roles in the individuals within it. I believe in individualism, and for me this means that I have the right to have an opinion based on my own conclusions which in turn gives me due license to interpret reality as I see fit. This is a freedom that I can have only when the rest of every individual in the planet has the same liberty. I stress "the same liberty" but I do not mean that everyone should be forced to exercise this liberty. Everyone has a different idea of what is happiness. Having independent thought is my happiness and I leave everyone to find his or her own interpretation of it. I don't think that my conclusions are infallible, nor do I insist that I am correct. In fact, I am not sure that I will ever undoubtedly know that I am right. It is because I see reality as subjective that I feel that I do not have the ethical license to encroach on other people's beliefs. Still, as a person subject to my own emotions I plead that I should be forgiven for bursts of passionate babble, for sarcastic remarks, for mocking/snide statements, for arrogant manifestos…for feeling, period.

My fear is that I may have actually not fallen far from the tree. There is a possibility that I am still in the shadow of mainstream ideology, and that in reality I am a closet conservative. I say this because I cannot help but romanticize opulence. Right now, the fact that I am writing in English - the universal language; the business language; the language of the rich - gives me irrational thrill. I feel hoity-toity. Somehow, I feel smarter. In fact, I am going to post this on my website so that I could invite other people to read this. In turn, I will probably hope that they tell me that I am brilliant, that I am honest, and that I am better than average. I want to bask in praises for using words like "bask". I like being patted on the back and told that I am a good girl. I want my fifteen minutes of fame to last forever. I want to be able to live in the White House, kick out the POTUS, and be powerful enough to kick sand on the face of every influential person today and get away with it. This is the part that gets me confused. How can I say that I do not like the thought of power being monopolized when I want to monopolize it? How can I say that I dislike hierarchies, when I want to be on top of the heap?

My big personal questions are: Am I flirting with Socialism to make me feel good about me? Am I entertaining these thoughts so that I could brag about it? Am I using other people's ideas as an excuse for my hedonistic fantasies? Am I, in fact, a fascist? You know, Adolf Hitler was a Taurus who dabbled in painting. I am a Taurus who could have gone into painting. It makes me wonder if an astrologist will see that in my stars I am heavily influenced by Aries - which Linda Goodman pointed out as the reason for Hitler's cruelty. If I were him - treated like a rock star and with Germany at my feet - would I have gone down his way? Would I have even collected the Jews in camps to gas them, or callously order them to be shot outright upon identification? Am I capable of that given the reigns of power? Fame is just a suffix or prefix to power yet it made the great John Lennon carelessly declare that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ. If fame can turn your head like that, imagine what would happen if you had concrete authority to fulfill your desires.

Have I found myself out? Am I a fake?

posted by Otherwise Maladroit @ 5:23 PM