Otherwise Maladroit

Thursday, January 12, 2006 Absolutely Last Entry

also the book reviews…

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THE BODY FARM
PATRICIA CORNWELL

my first of cornwell makes a very good debut in my bookshelf. after a so-so patterson i was hesitant in slogging through what i thought would yet again be a disappointing bit of crime fiction, but i was pleasantly wrong. now hooked, i'm planning to go on a scarpetta spree and snap up all the books in her series.

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MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA
ARTHUR GOLDEN

first of all APRIL!!! thk u thk u thk u! unforgettable. mameha-san rocks the boat!

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DIGITAL FORTRESS
DAN BROWN

skip this and go for the Code

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ANGELS AND DEMONS
DAN BROWN

if Digital Fortress left u short, this tried to hold on for too long

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THE ALIENIST
CALEB CARR

absorbing historical tour through the mind of a tortured killer and an even more tortured (and stinky!) new york city

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ANGEL OF DARKNESS
CALEB CARR

spoiler alert! if you've read The Body Farm by Patricia Cornwell then this is doubly fascinating to read; even more macabre sequel to The Alienist

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A VERY LONG ENGAGEMENT
SEBASTIEN JAPRISOT

i just finished this, leapfrogging philip pullman's "the golden compass" and patricia cornwell's "black notice" (both being in limbo for a while until i muster the enthusiasm to start reading again me being in a none-heavy-reading-stage) which i shamefacedly admit only sparked my interest because i had already watched jeunet's movie based on the novel starring audrey tautou. there are fundamental differences, in particular the characterization of mathilde who is sassier and more clever in print. the book is funnier and infinitely more complex. for example bingo crepuscle comes from something or someone, not just random like yippee-doo-da or tra-la-la. i wonder how well the original flavor of the novel was captured for the english translation? definitely a must read.

Thursday, January 12, 2006 OK, Penultimate Entry

moved movie reviews from friendster sidebar to here

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THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

am obsessively watching this movie because i am addicted to the song "so long and thanks for all the fish"; resistance is useless; kind of like spaceballs meets monty python.

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AZUMI and AZUMI 2: DEATH OR LOVE

(is that chiaki kuriyama?!!) unabashed genre movie that hits all the right spots: honor, betrayal, fidelity, martyrdom, and superhuman swordfighting topped by a tragic ending. satisfying, but could have been more if it had a bigger budget

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D.E.B.S.

this had me completely blindsided. the first 30 minutes of this movie was condensed in the trailer and the rest is a half-assed Agent Cody Banks wannabe (ouch! that movie was half-assed too) with a twist - the main storyline is about 2 girls who fall in love. i wish i needn't be so harsh since i really like this movie (gods, anything with jordana brewster in it i'll watch) but the plot was basically thrown out before half of it was finished, then supplanted with slightly racy uber X&G. but for all it's faults this is the alternative teen movie that i always wished for but couldn't find because alternative films have a limited distribution, the industry at large is prudish, plus there's no money in bankrolling a romantic comedy for lesbians, much less a teen movie. (which begs the question: was the trailer edited because of above concerns?)

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D.E.B.S. (revisited)

i completely retract everything that i've said about D.E.B.S. now that i've watched it with angela robinson's commentary. for 28 days of shooting on an initial budget of 2 million (later on bumped to 4) this movie rocks and i couldn't ask for more considering the circumstances. this is going to be a cult classic! check out it's onilne sales and ratings. when this movie was still on the coming soon list the rating was 2 stars tops, but now that it's out on dvd it rocketed to a full 5 stars! i am now hunting for the OST. any takers for the cult of DEBS? meetings will be held right beside the HQ for the cult of My Sassy Girl.

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ARAHAN

my sassy girl meets kung fu hustle, but not as romantic or funny. still, it's a solid movie with awesome action sequences. the choreography is fast, at times deliciously brutal, with little of the inconsistencies of wire work (where the laws of gravity are defied) during hand to hand combat sequences, although there are times that it peeks between the punches. particular fave is the fight scene in the restaurant - one of the best i've seen recently. definitely better than shu qi's solos in so close. plus yun so-yi looks really good fighting - even better than zhang ziyi or eun-kyung shin of my wife is a gangster fame who both are heavily augmented by wires when doing action. all this is minus the wire-heavy-supernatural-i'm-tapping-into-my-chi scenes, but that's basic fantasy pap and all that matters is anime style posturing for these. there should have been more laughs here, but somehow the timing was off. i mean, all the elements are there for the joke, but it lacked oomph in the delivery.

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MY WIFE IS A GANGSTER 2

completely incoherent. there were some funny moments, but it lacks the enthusiasm and verve of the first movie.

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VOLCANO HIGH

this one's been around for a while, but i'm mentioning it here, because aside from it being one of my faves in the genre, jang hyuck, the lead here is jeon ji-hyeon's partner in windstruck (which many mistake for a prequel to my sassy girl. it is not. the ending was merely a gimmick to capitalize on the popularity of my sassy girl)
anyway, in volcano high there's a lot of action - mostly supernatural stuff with a lot of FX, but i think arahan's choreography is better. however this overtakes arahan with excellent comic timing. especially on jang hyuk's part who effortlessly infuses a charming dorkiness to his tortured hero role.

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NAPOLEON DYNAMITE

(directed by jared hess) the bastard child of christopher guest and wes anderson. it's effing brilliant! u must watch it! this is not an option.

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SPANGLISH

(directed by james l. brooks) i almost always scorn tearjerkers after my sad and humiliating experience with "bambi" (yes, THAT "bambi" dammit!!) but this one is so much more than a dracomedy. it stabs at the heart of multiculturism. if this isn't your kind of pie then just watch it for the luminous paz vega, who at the danger of being redundant (you have to watch the movie to get this) IS GORGEOUS!

Friday, January 6, 2006

i won't be updating this anymore. all new stuff will go to my Friendster blog. see link at sidebar. thanks.

August 1997 Ideology paper for History I, Mr. A. Esguerra

Ideology paper for History I, Mr. A. Esguerra

What Is Now

The social unrest that is apparent all over our nation today is brought about by the failure of the Philippine government to realize true democracy. It seems that the ruling body has forgotten that above them are the people, and that they were put there in the first place to serve the masses. The people have become tired of being second best in the interests of the nation when they comprise the nation itself. There is a need to reform the actuality of the present form of democracy in our country. We have to redefine what we hold as conventional. For instance, the people who are seated in powerful positions in the government should cease to call themselves our leaders, instead they should say that they are servants of the nation; the president is not to be held as the head of the state, rather he is the executor of the people's decisions. In truth, it is already stated in the second article of the constitution that, "Officers of the government are servants of the people and not their masters. They shall, at all times, be accountable to the people." But what is stated as a reality in the constitution is not the actuality of our nation. We as the majority should remind our public officials of their place and purpose, and we as the majority should take up our responsibility. We should no longer be ignorant of what is apparent, that we as the majority hold the real power in changing the nation.

True democracy reigns when the Filipino is not hindered to progress regardless of his being poor, illiterate, uneducated, a minority, a Muslim, a Christian or any other belief, even regardless of his sexuality. We have discrimination, not in a black against white sense, but in a social status sense.

We Must Be For Our Brothers and Sisters

No man is an island, we are an archipelago.

Patience, vigilance and understanding must be exercised if we hope to turn the tide of illiteracy and ignorance. A basic Filipino has no real self-respect, because he does not know himself. What he does know is the supremacy of the Western Culture. The Western Culture is driven by money, [so it follows that] those who want to be westernized are driven by money. [Our ancient culture of simplicity must be explored once more, because it will define us.] We must recognize what we were, because it is the answer to our loss of identity. Education and mass media will be our means to incorporate pride in our culture. Cultural pride will develop self-respect, and it is because of this that a person picks up values. Now that he recognizes that he is a person of worth he will no longer foster undesirable traits. But how do we reach those that are not receiving any form of media and education? Then we simply have to go them. If we want our "word" to be spread, then we will work to fulfill this. Let it be known that we share the same past, that old grievances should be forgiven to give way to new ties, and that the real enemy is our ignorance not our differences. We are all victims of history, but we are the survivors of today. Let us start something new from what did not work out.

What We Shall Use

Brevity is the key to good communication. We shall be concise and precise, and we will not hide anything from others. We shall state it as it is without any bravado because our truth is all we need. [Furthermore, truth is the cold shower of the sleepy.]

How Will We Be Heard

"When a woman is in travail she has sorrow, because her hour has come; but when she is delivered of the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a child is born into the world. So you have sorrow now, but I will see you again and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you."
(John 16:21-22)

We must cry. We must wail. We must shout. We must rant. [Let us be exhibitionists.] How can we awaken others, if we do not make noise? How can they relate to our noise, if we do not form words? How can they understand our words, if we do not have a message? How can they sympathize to our message, if we do not show our suffering? Let us abandon any visage of pride or arrogance. We cannot solve our problem if we are not willing to suffer for it, because suffering is the pre-condition we have to endure. Suffering in the process of striving for our goal will make attaining that goal even sweeter and more precious. We have to sacrifice to attain another. Our time and our sweat will be the manifestations of our vigil. People will begin to question our suffering because no one suffers for no reason at all. We will be heard because people are curious by nature. Perhaps some will be convinced or even impressed by our willpower to withstand all for our goal. Of course, others will feel differently and they will argue and ridicule us, but rest assured we will not go unnoticed.

How will we suffer? By denying ourselves peace of mind until we unify this country. We shall be haunted by our hunger to realize the one body of all Filipinos. Weariness will come over us because we are unrepentant in our constant forward struggle to attain the one body of all Filipinos. The heat of passionate discourse will scorch us because often we will encounter people driven by different ideals, but we shall prevail to form the one body of all Filipinos. Suffering is the fuel and the questions we precipitate is the fire.

When we finally have transmogrified to our new body all we have gone through will be our legacy to coming generations. What we have endured will teach those who seek to become tyrants among us that the more we suffer the greater will eventually be our victory.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

i chickened out and deleted the most intense stuff.

Friday, December 23, 2005

i've finally moved all the stuff that has not appeared in my friendster blog here. including those entries i censored from my site and put into my myspace diary. well now everything is out in the open.

24 May 1999

I thought there would be much rejoicing when she comes home. I thought her absence, and the result of it, a sort of longing as I imagined, would reconcile our differences when she left. But when she came as if she never went at all, I realized that I missed her when she was gone, and did not on the exact moment she arrived.

10 January 2001 Written for Pulitika Issue 3

No Comments From Sentimental Fools. Please.

There I go again. At the aftermath of a heated (albeit one-sided) argument, after yapping away indignities about my mother’s comprehensive capacity, I was crying and my mother was literally red with fury. She shrieked about how ungrateful I was and how bloated my ego was, all of which were true. When I recovered from my self-pitying drama segment, instead of saying sorry, I managed to retort with last minute snipes near the end of our verbal crossfire. Somewhere at the back of my head I wanted to apologize, but in the heat of an argument when you want to drive that you are right (in my case, to thump at my chest like the Lord of the Jungle) all I could think about is how much damage I could inflict.

And what damage I did inflict. Our conversation started in a familiar fashion. I was complaining about society like a true armchair revolutionary: in self-edifying moral tones. I was tuned in to MTV since I loathed noontime shows, so I had plenty of material to fuel my homily. Damn this, damn that – you get the picture. My mother was faintly amused at my comments, but I was unsatisfied by hers. When I got to the point where I was criticizing consumer society I was consciously irritated by her (as I perceived it) naïve replies, and I was already making passes at her lack of comprehension. At my most odious I become an authority on everything. After all, I did pass my Philosophy and Social Sciences, and that made me feel lofty.

She called me narrow-minded, and I said that my mind was so vast she couldn’t see it. Horrible isn’t it? By then I considered everything free for all: she was so bourgeois; she was so conservative; she was a capitalist drone. I said something to the effect that her mind was the size of a peanut, and I remember that I wanted to follow through about doubts to the similarity of our genetic make-up. I never got that part in, because I was already calling her something else.

By now you’ll doubt it if I say that I truly love her. You may say that love and respect go hand in hand, but I don’t believe that. I know I love her, because I cannot comprehend life without her, because I need constant reassurance that she will always be there, because I sleep with her when I am reminded of Linda Blair in the Exorcist, because I want to keep her house bound to ensure that she will be safe, because I feel jealous that our cat can fit on her lap and cuddle and I can’t, because at the danger to her health I embarrassed myself by screaming until she came back to me, because when I still used to pray I asked God to take me first before her. I’m that selfish, I do not want to know the pain of losing her, so I’d rather she mourn over me. But I totally do not respect her views, because as I see it, she is only parroting what the boob-tube is spouting. I love her so much it hurts, but I’d rather we don’t have a conversation. Clear enough? Well, join the club. I can’t understand it myself. (By the way, psych majors, I’m an only child. Analyze that.)

I wish I wasn’t so impressionable. I wish I had rock solid faith in an absent God. I wish I liked Britney Spears. I have the tendency to ride every idealistic bandwagon that I encounter, even if I know I’ll never act on it. All I want is to float in a limbo of bliss and ignorance. However, reality constantly asserts itself, and I am caged in self-depreciating pessimism. So what can I do? The best that I can: I apologized. She was sniffling; I was through with that so I was not. It wasn’t a TV family-drama, “awww-shucks” reconciliation; it was awkward. We cared for each other, regardless of what we’d say, or rather what I would say. It was a ceasefire, at best, until the next time I get bull-headed in a china shop.

22 August 2001

I had another round with my mom. Great. Life is so fucking delicious. I'm tired of all these arguments and I feel frustrated that the solution is not forthcoming. I want to move out. We've had too much of each other. Talking to my mom is like talking to a broken record. The conversation gets nowhere new and nothing is resolved. Of course, it doesn't help that I'm not a people person. Unfortunately,
frank never goes down well with my mom. She keeps whining that I'm abandoning her - and if she keeps up with that I might seriously consider it. Actually, I am considering it. This might be why in that episode of ER wherein Sally Field guest stars I was rooting against her character. It is so frustrating dealing with stubborn parents. Why can't I have a low-maintenance mother?

But that's the rub, my mother is not just my mother. In fact, by most aspects, my relationship with her is like a marriage. I'm not one to consider parent-child relationships as a partnership, I'm more fond of viewing it as a "mama-bear-and-cub" kind of thing.

You know I'm a jackass! The truth is I'm projecting my frustrations. I feel like I'm not heading in any direction. My future looks gloomy, I could even say that it looks
unfortunate. Boy, I'm really jaded now. Reality bites like that mean shark in Jaws.

How I want to be independent now! I don't want to live off someone else's money anymore! I want to earn my keep and pay my bills and try not to starve with a minimum wage and to have my moments of thought in isolation and to clean up for myself and to organize my underwear and to plan my groceries and to save for luxuries and to have a bank account and to forfeit a night at the movies to look over my finances…

You know what hurts? She actually said that if I fail she's going to laugh at my face. So much for that prodigal-son-catholic-shit. Up yours!

16 June 2002

Why do I hate myself so much? I can't get it out of my head that I'm boring and has a lifestyle that is as exciting as a doornail. I just feel so undesirable - not that I'm actively looking for a relationship, what I mean is that I don't see myself in a position that would make me intrinsically happy - something which I consider is the well of self-confidence, a characteristic that makes a person desirable. My being is sacrificed to the pursuit of buying my freedom. Outside looking in, you'd probably say that my life is looking pretty good right now, and that I'm an ungrateful spoiled rotten whiner. A job without pressure that pays what you'd expect; an incredibly supportive boss; free lodging, food, and use of transportation; in other words, a relatively hassle free existence with some extra comforts. Still, I seek escapist entertainment. I have no idea how many fan fiction I've read to get some time being somewhere else, at least in with my mind. I'm reading more of escapist literature than I would consider healthy for my mental well-being and to my academic work. I often catch myself thinking, "If only I could get a steady supplier of my smutty vices I'd get some modicum of happiness."

And it truly scares me when I get a moment to stop and think about my anti-social tendencies that I seem to be building a profile awfully similar to the classic disturbed middle class white male serial killer. I damn myself for getting addicted to porn in high school. I find it difficult to shake off the habit when I find little else to do but to entertain myself - which usually means getting online and meandering around the web. Ever since I got onto it - well, maybe even before that, it would be more accurate to pinpoint the moment I got into computers - I've somewhat lost interest in reading, unless it's the kind of material that has that "extra zing".

The times I relapse to smut are like barometer readings of how I feel about myself. I use porn to disengage myself from an unexplainably unhappy reality. I've admitted once to a friend that I couldn't sleep without playing an erotic scene in my thoughts to help me relax. I've found it helpful to muster a wet dream to keep myself from remembering bad dreams, and also to ward off an anxiety attack. Lately I've been moody, and I've had it enough to know that it usually preludes to an argument with my mother. I better check my emotions when we talk or I'll over-react to some little issue that I could have allowed to fly by if I'd been in a lighter mood.

25 May 2003

Depression is starting to settle in. My emotions have come around and I've just finished the happy part of my cycle. Hysteria waits at home, but oxymoronically I can't express it. The delicate balance of my day-to-day existence relies on my ability to suppress the need for violence. By god, I want to wring someone's neck and feel the flesh of that throat ooze through my fingertips. I want someone to answer for the way I have to be today. I see the vices Gluttony and Indolence reigning in my life, and with them Fear. My fear is numbing my limbs, and I barely feel my heart beat, and I'm breathing so shallowly. I can't fail. I already have a wife in my mom. Even so, as her direct descendant they can make me answerable for her debts and obligations. I can't live till this all-too-real-artificial-material-hurdle is past.

09 November 2003

I'm breaking down. These past few days I always feel panicked. I can't laugh and it's
affecting my digestion and I feel like the bogeyman is near. I am terrified the same way I am when it's nearing All-Souls-Day and knowing that the TV would be filled with the holiday. I know my weakness is that I easily panic when I don't feel secure or safe. There is no haven. The one pillar that should have sustained me forever is the cause of my panic. I can't turn to my relatives because they nod and nod and nod but inside some are smiling, and most are apathetic and all of them, do not understand how it feels. I was never separated from my mother. She is the one constant in my life. And no one can ever understand how betrayed I feel. Everything I am came from her. Almost all my early memories is of her. I was never close to anyone else. I didn't have cousins or other children to grow up with. I was so isolated and alone as a child and she can never understand what it meant to me when she got home from work. How I was so frightened when she came home late, because that could mean forever with Lola, forever in that silent house that was not sympathetic to children, where the corners lurked shadows of resentment and jealousy and despair. If she never came back that meant forever living with people who just
hated living because they were so awkward and insecure. Living forever with people who gossiped and gossiped and gossiped and teased and teased and teased and ridiculed and ridiculed and ridiculed. Of course, tormented and tormented and tormented. I hate these people, and it was her that protected me from them. I was terribly shy as a child and I really was afraid of people. As a child I only saw other people as a source of torment and fear. I expected to be laughed at, but even when they did and I was prepared for it, it hurt so much and my pride was so wounded, so I started not caring about anything. Even today I cannot feel beyond myself. I've never allowed myself to demand of other people, to maintain their friendship, to deepen the history between me and a friend. Because it will hurt a hundred times more if that kind of hurt came from a friend. I know I will never lose my fear of being laughed at, and I know I'll always have this defensive mechanism where I numb myself to everything. I know I can love intensely one moment and walk away forever the next moment without going through the seven stages of denial or days and days of indecision. When someone that close laughs at me I'll immediately shut down and walk away. I know I'll never be with anyone at all.

And she was the haven. She loved me and loved me and I know she always will as stupidly and sincerely as a puppy, but as stupidly and sincerely as a puppy. I can kick her, she'll still love me, but she won't understand why I was hurting. She's as
obtuse as a deaf man beside Big Ben. She doesn't understand at all how much I lost when she traipsed into the mistakes that she made without a second of caution despite all the warnings and the hints. I lost my haven. I lost faith in the person that has protected me from the bogeyman - the paralyzing embarrassment and shame and feeling of inadequacy, of ugliness and disappointment. She'll never understand that what I lost was her. I'll never be safe again. No one will ever mean as much or will ever be half as significant as her image has been for the most crucial years of my life. My childhood fears are flaring up - both psychological and emotional. Furthermore, I don't have a confessor, because she was that to me too. When I lost trust in her my lifeline was cut too.

Retro Posting Not Quite Finished: 27 May 2005

forgot to include the diary entries from myspace.

***

It's kind of difficult writing about this delicate topic that is so close to my heart in the midst of these foul mouthed miscreants in the form of children in this little computer shop.

But I have to update my journal, diary, blog or what-have-you sometime and finally chronicle what I consider one of the more monumental events in my recent life.

Barbara is as close an
example I've ever faced to the type of person that I want to be. I suppose I have to explain from the start, she was one of the trainers/observers that they sent to start the account that
I'm working in right now. I have been shifted to Relay Service from General Operators due to some luck and oversight in the typing tests that they required the operators to take. Anyway, me being
me I was of course slow to make myself sociable to a stranger, but was instantly piqued when she started to talk about deaf culture, herself, and politics.

I really can't organize my thoughts in this environment
I'm vacillating between annoyance and horror over the state of children today. Let this be the start then, I must write more since I've found so much about myself and the world when I met this person, and like I've mentioned somewhere I am compelled to chronicle.

Nota Bene: Tuesday, December 20, 2005

i didn't realize until i was halfway through this cut-and-paste project that the chronological order of the posts where funky. in addition, since i use the dates as titles when i can't think up a proper one the individual headings were redundant. (re-edit: and now that i took a look at this posting i realized that i did it again!) happily, since i am the only one who looks up my stuff then i can't really mind and forgive myself for my laziness to slog through everything again. if u happen to wander here, surely by some cosmic accident, be kind and take a peek at my new blog inZane the Contrarian.

Retro Posting Finish: 01 August 2004

July's CD Purchases

1. Keane - "Hopes and Fears"
2. Franz Ferdinand
3. Jet - "Get Born"
4. White Stripes - "Elephant"
5. Basement Jaxx - "Rooty" and "Remedy"
6. A Mighty Wind (Christopher Guest & Eugene Levy)
7. Dangerous Liasions (Glenn Close & John Malkovich)
8. Amelie (Audrey Tautou)

27 June 2004 Tales From Call Center Hell

Tales From Call Center Hell

A bewildered elderly man called in from a payphone demanding to be connected to his brother Anthony, but he didn't know the number. Offering to transfer him to a DA Op he insisted on billing it to his home phone number. However, it wasn't an existing phone number. After correcting his area code it turned out that the number was blocked against billing anyway. The rest of our two minute conversation (we take 2 to 3 calls in a minute) went this way:

Elderly Man: "I've had this phone for years and years, why can't you bill it?"
Me: "I do apologize, but it has a restriction. Do you have another number to bill?"
EM: "Yes!" *proceeds to recite the same number*
Me: *sternly* "Sir, you're giving me the same number. Do you have another number to bill? ASIDE FROM WHAT YOU'VE GIVEN ME?"
EM: "Whaddaya mean? I've had that phone for years and years!"
Me: "I do apologize, sir -"
EM: "Anthony! Anthony!" *he whimpers*
Me: "Sir, I'm not Anthony yet, but I can get you directory assistance to find his number!"
EM: "Can't you just connect me to Anthony?"
Me: *now completely exasperated* "Sure! Do you KNOW his number???"
EM: "No, I don't."
Me: "EXACTLY! Now, let's get you directory assistance to find the number!"
EM: "Whatever it takes to get Anthony."
Me: *relieved* "OK, can I have a number to bill?"
EM: "OK." *recites the exact same number*
Me: "Sir! We've already tried that number! IT'S BLOCKED, SIR! IT'S BLOCKED!"
EM: "Whaddaya mean? I've had that phone for years and years!"

***

This young guy wants to call his grandparents collect. After screening the number it turns out that it has a collect call block. I explained that it won't be able to accept charges and offered him his other options.

Young guy says in a surfer dude voice: "Could you, like, bill it to my grandparent's number so that it wouldn't be, like, collect, but as if it's them that's calling me?"
I go: "But that IS collect and this number has a restriction against collect."
Young guy: "No, not collect! I mean, like, you call them for me and they'll pay for the call."
I go: "Sir, it's not possible at all to bill that number, because of the restriction."
Young guy: "But that's not, like, collect, because they're going to pay for the call."
I go: "I'm sorry sir, we cannot call and bill this phone number at the same time."
Young guy: "Wow, really? But why? They're gonna pay for it! I mean, there's no way to do that?"
I go, in my best Vincent Price voice: "NO, SIR."
Young guy: "But that's not a collect call!?"
I go: "It IS collect."
Young guy: "Oh, no that's not collect and I totally understand collect calls!"
I wanted to say: No, you don't.

26 June 2004

Korean hijinks and pork lungs
Breeding vampires and recruiting dwarves
A friend in denial
A rooster that marches
Drooling for a chopper
Mooning over divas
And a blue Austin Mini
This week. My life.

21 June 2004

Best Answering Machine Greeting for June

Ring-ring! "Hello?"

"Thisisdaoperatorwithacollectcallfrom (breath) Horace...Willyaacceptdacharges?"

"Hey, whassup?"

"NoooMa'amDisisdaoperatorigottacollectcallfrom-"

"Who's this???"

"-daoperatorandyagottacollectcallfrom-"

Mischievous giggle. "Sorry, this is the answering machine. Leave a message and I'll call you back." ChuckleChuckleChuckle. Beeeeeep.

12 June 2004

12 June 2004

Essential Features of a Wristwatch for Future Reference

1. 24 hour or military time and 12 hour time
2. 31 day date indicator
3. alarm
4. digital and analog display with seconds
5. backlight or glow-in-the-dark clock face
6. water-resistant
7. non-leather belt strap

***

Vehicle Wish List

1. 60's Volkswagen Beetle
2. 60's Volkswagen Microbus
3. Volkswagen Rabbit
4. 70's Citroen
5. 60's Ford Mustang
6. 30's Packard
7. 30's Duesenberg II Boat-tail Speedster
8. 50's Ford Thunderbird
9. 20's Stutz
10. 80's Porsche Carrera
11. 60's or 70's Austin Mini Cooper or an 90's Austin Mini Cooper Monte Carlo
12. 1963 Corvette
13. 90's Dodge Viper
14. 1932 Ford Roadster
15. 60's Jaguar E-type Roadster
16. Lamborghini Diablo
17. 1938 Buick Special

***

Best after-hours unwinder: Julie's freshly fried donuts with milk

06 June 2004

06 June 2004

Just my luck to be squashed between the window and this furkin mastodon who was doing his utmost to smother me on the bus to work. The damned troglodyte invaded the shores of my personal space and planted his freaking banner at the base of the sea wall. I had to battle with elbows at my face, pudgy arms at my side, and restless feet attached to chunky calves that wandered the sticky floor. In defense, I had to cross my ankles, take shallow breaths, and tuck my equally pudgy arms into my chest. I numbly stared out the streaked glass to the wet streets while darkly weaving a string of curses to hang the unlettered orc beside me, and maliciously planned to trample his toes when I squeeze past him to reach the door. Of course, the fact that he (or it) was a ton heavier than me foiled my evil intent. Besides, crushed toes and all, those meaty fists can surely pummel me to the ground. At a serious disadvantage, all I could do was cow and regret that I passed on getting a copy of "Dark Magic for Everyday Use" so that I could turn my tormentor to something horrible, like a wart-infested toad, or a senator.

03 June 2004

03 June 2004

Five Actresses Listed

1. Emily Watson in "Punch Drunk Love", specifically the scene where she was all adorably mussed up and was suppressing her mirth at the irony of talking to Barry's sister about not dating him when they just did the hula; in the script that scene was surprisingly sparse, her performance in that one scene is a monument to her emotive talent - which is enormous, thank you!

2. Maggie Cheung in "Hero" - see her range as an actress by comparing how she acted towards Leung through all the versions of their story; I honestly never thought that she would be able to surpass being second banana to steelier actresses like Brigitte Lin (Dragon Inn), or Anita Mui and Michelle Khan/Yeoh (Super Heroic Trio) at first blush, but what do I know.

3. Vicki Zhao stalking Karen Mok in "So Close"; painfully cute and incredibly sexy - I can't wait to get my grubby hands on "Jade Goddess of Mercy"

4. Chiaki Kuriyama throughout "Battle Royale" and "Kill Bill"; so scary yet compelling, worshipping her is kind of like S&M - you can't decide which part you like more.

5. Shin Eun-Gyeong strutting in a suit in "My Wife is a Gangster". Yummy!

02 June 2004

02 June 2004

It just occurred to me that power is moving counterclockwise - that is right to left or East to West, following Western geography. The earliest traces of civilization and the first empires sprung between China and Egypt. After that, the Romans annexed areas of these lost empires and in the way picked up Christianity and imported it into Europe. In turn, religion became the catalyst that began the dawn of European colonialism. Between the Dark Ages to the end of World War II, discounting the kingdoms in East Asia that were largely regional powers, the fulcrum of world politics was in Europe. Even the Ottoman Empire, though Islamic, was ruled from present-day Turkey. Then from the ruins of Europe, the steering wheel hopscotched from the UK to the US. Now, after decades of undisputed control (discounting the American farce called the Cold War) the flagging US economy is being challenged by emerging Asian economies catering to local markets that have embraced American consumerism.

31 May 2004

31 May 2004

Did anyone bother to watch the movie Punch Drunk Love? Well, why the hell didn't we? The movie is fucking brilliant. But you know the ending is kind of depressing - not kind of, it IS depressing - because it's a fantasy. How many Emily Watsons are there that can stand us dysfunctional people? There are not a lot of people like that. Watson's character is a miracle.

28 May 2004

28 May 2004

For someone who has prided herself in cultivating a stoic exterior I've recently been quite the drama queen. It's as if all the hate, insecurities, and fears that I've refused to acknowledge in the past have caught up with me and is determined to either smother me with depression, or tear me apart with rage. What I'm surprised with is how large an arena of battle is within me - how hollow I've become. I've always thought that I have a full life and I'm stunned by how greatly I've overestimated my shallow existence. I have wrought nothing of meaning. There is certainly regret at the loss of the mirage that has coddled my delusions, but should I be grateful?

***

10 Witty Repartees That Round Up My Chuck-E-Cheezie Tribute To "10 Things I Hate About You"

MS. PERKY: I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old school. Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere.

CHASTITY: I know you can be overwhelmed. You can be underwhelmed. But can you ever just be whelmed?
BIANCA: I think you can in Europe.

KAT: Remove head from sphincter, then drive!

BIANCA: Where did you come from? Planet Loser?
KAT: As opposed to planet "look at me! look at me!"?

PATRICK: Well, maybe you're not afraid of me. But I'm sure you've thought about me naked, huh?
KAT: Am I that transparent? I want you. I need you. Oh baby, oh baby.

PATRICK: See that, there? Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?

MICHAEL: No, because I know you're a fan of Shakespeare.
MANDELLA: More than a fan. We're involved.

WALTER: Where's your sister going?
KAT: She's meeting some bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm.

WALTER: You know, fathers don't like to admit it when their daughters are capable of running their own lives. It means we've become spectators. Bianca still lets me play a few innings. You've had me on the bench for years. And when you go to Sarah Lawrence, I won't even be able to watch the game.

KAT: You can't just buy me a guitar every time you screw up, you know.
PATRICK: Yeah, I know. But then, you know, there's always drums and bass and maybe even one day a tambourine.

26 May 2004

26 May 2004

You may have come into law school filled with soaring dreams of altruism and sacrifice, or looking forward to brisk semantic scuffles, or revved to explore unchartered moral landscapes. You have probably hoarded a treasure load of tips and techniques, and abstracts and reviewers. You may even have gone as far as piecing together character sheets for each and every professor, and if you're this fastidious chances are you already have a game plan on how to avoid the terrors in the bunch (admit it). But you're all wrong! The lot of you! Yes, even you who finished with summas and laudes, with commendations and appendages to your name, and with a Masters or even Doctorate swinging on your belt! Yes, even you are wrong!

Because law school is about one thing, and only one thing alone, and that is...sleep. And how many hours you could get of it.

If only sleep was a tangible commodity, it would be doing brisk business among law schools:

"A pound of sleep please."
"Your in luck I gotta special. Imported from China. Good for two hours."
"Ok, that one."
"Half a grand. Paper or plastic?"

Sleep, people, is a concept that will become alien after you've signed up for a year of penitentiary hell. If you've come straight out of college, hardly even wiping off you're milk moustache, then you're in for a shock. Law school is not college. Law school is an organic collective. There is no life out of it. It IS life. If you're in for the long haul (God, have mercy on you) then for four years Law school will be you're most strictest parent, you're most jealous lover, and the most tight-assed CO this side of the planet!

Do you know why?

If you're between a rock and a hard-place, would you want Pee Wee Herman to defend you? I didn't think so.

The subject of law requires precision in interpreting a staggering amount of information, where each detail has a nuance, and each nuance an outcome. It will be your knowledge of the law that will be between the client and the court. (On this note, I strongly discourage attempts to sway the judge by doing the macarena/spaghetti dance medley lest you rise the ire of the judge and get slapped with contempt.)

So what has sleep got to do with all of this? Well, between losing sleep worrying over recitation and studying for exams, there's losing sleep worrying about everything else and studying for all other schooldays that don't have an exam, which is around the rest of the year minus summer and holidays, but its always prudent to read up in advance. Then, there's research, memorization, digests, and more reading, reading, reading ad nauseam.

Plus, there's the Latin (which is kind of appropriate since your going to be living a monk's life minus the monastery) and all other legal terms that aren't in Latin.

However, all this self-denial is actually good practice - for learning to be chaste.

Chastity, you say? What makes you think that you'll have a social life after the bar? Have you learned nothing from Ally McBeal? (Or L.A. Law for all of you late-bloomers.) If you spend your time getting-jiggy-with-it to an imaginary dancing baby and drinking up your evenings with Vonda Shepard, you'll be stuck in kookiness hell with all the weird cases that never made it on The Practice (whose lives are all shot and angsty, for the matter).

In the interest of keeping things fair (I wouldn't want to scare you away), you do get something to ease your burden. Law students are provided with a place to sleep. Just look for a room that has the sign "LIBRARY". You may have heard of such a facility before - here's a hint: it has a lot of books, and at least one stiff-lipped person that likes to shush noisy miscreants. Given that the chairs are hard on the bum and it's forbidden to snore, at least you have a place to catch a few Z's in between cramming. On the bright side, aside from trips to the toilet and actual classes you'll already be in the one place that you should be 90% of the day. Pack a cooler and pitch a tent and you will never miss quality time with Cruz, Jurado, Reyes and other luminaries that guide the path down statutory enlightenment.

When the time comes for the results of your bar exam, stuff everything into a huge gym bag, and move your operations beside the picket of hungry people and impassioned student activists uniformed in Che Guevarra shirts outside the Supreme Court gate. You can even start your career there by giving out free legal advice.

*

If I had any doubts that America is being hispanized they were completely "blown" away today. They now dub US porn in Spanish...telenovela style no less!

*

Call center work is like being stuck in Monty Python's Clinic of Abuse and Argument.

*

Never one to shy away from my dark side I've long acknowledged my capacity to keep eternal grudges, to intensely hate, to disdain with haughty iciness, to be stubbornly prejudiced, and to be an all-around asshole. Where others are wise enough to feel embarrassed, this ideological hypocrite revels in it. Yeah, it's sick!

*

Why the Cutting Edge is so addictive, a self-justification

Because! How can any girl not like it? It's classic poor boy meets rich girl, they fight then fall in love, plus it's on ice! It's like all the best Sweet Dreams books combined into one script.

*

Why I go gaga over Chinese movies, a confession

(It's all Cheung Man's fault!) At first, because it was unusual and frenetic but fun - then as I got used to the general feel of their movies, I began to appreciate their way of storytelling, their mythology, their expressions, and how their values are nearer to mine than what Hollywood portrays. But what I like best is their romanticism, fatalism, and how they do "open" endings without any closure for the viewer. Leaving one in a mellow funk for days, so that you can wistfully smile over the memorable parts like some long-lost love in your own past.

*

I'm the only literate person (being able to read in not literacy) below the poverty line (minus the schoolteachers and professors whose masochistic streak pushed them into their thankless jobs...just kidding! But seriously...)

***

10 Things To Love About "10 Things I Hate About You"

1. Kat's face when she was told that she's a heinous bitch
2. Ms. Perky's antics
3. Verona's wicked grin
4. Keegan's character showing the difference between underwear and swimsuit
5. Kat's comeback when Verona teased her that she's imagined him naked
6. the OST
7. the White Rastas, the Future MBAs, and the Cowboys (but particularly the White Rastas)
8. Verona singing in the bleachers
9. Kat in soccer uniform
10. Gym teacher confiscating a pack of chips

(There was a faux pas in the scene where Kat gets Verona out of detention - the moment she flashed the teacher Verona was looking right at them and wasn't out of the window yet, in later scenes it was indicated that he didn't know what Kat did to keep the teacher distracted. But he was there looking!!!)

19 May 2004

19 May 2004

A Belated Birthday List of the Stuff I Did Yesterday to Mark My 24th:

1. Renewal of Driver's License (I had to, it's my only valid ID that can blip in a bank's radar)

2. Tried to roller skate for the first time (I wanted to roller blade but I had to switch to four wheel skates or I'd be crawling all over the rink; fell six times (mom counted) and embarrassed myself to idlers in the park; my body is one big bruise; I'm going to do it again next week)

3. Watched "My Wife is a Gangster" (and fell in love with Shin Eun-Gyeong; I feel torn between her and Chiaki Kuriyama - if only I could split into color-coded parts like Voltron)

4. Watched "Van Helsing" (it's not a horror movie goddamit! stop stewing it over the altar of Vincent Price and Christopher Lee!)

5. Bought a copy of "10 Things I Hate About You"

15 May 2004

15 May 2004

Unknown Classics:

1. A Muppet Christmas Carol - It stars the muppets for godssakes, and it has the sweetest Christmas songs.

2. 12:01 - Average Joe is in love with a bombshell scientist (played by no less than Supergirl) after a lovelorn day he suffers an electric shock that finally makes him unique AND able to save the day; I read in "Baked Potatoes: A Potsmoker's Guide to Film + Video" that "Groundhog Day" lifted its concept from this movie.

3. Romancing the Stone - Michael Douglas does a Harrison Ford in this Indiana Jones type movie and he's pretty convincing. Onscreen chemistry with Kathleen Turner and Danny De Vito works so well they had two other films together ("Jewel of the Nile" and "War of the Roses").

4. Robin Hood - Why Patrick Bergin never crossed over to mainstream hunkdom I'll never understand when the guy is clearly a studmuffin. Pre-Pulp Fiction Uma Thurman is ethereally beautiful as Maid Marian and delivers the most delicious line in the movie. (I was waiting for her to add "Nyah-nyah!!!" then stick her tongue out. That would have made it perfect. Hee-hee.)

5. Handsome Siblings - This movie (nay, this monument!) of Chinese filmmaking deserves no less than a full summary:

Two martial arts masters, played by the gorgeous Cheung Man and some Chinese guy, have a son, much to the dissapointment of Cheung's character who promptly killed her lover in a lover's spat. She was furious because she felt cheated out of an heir for her all-women cult (Lotus something-something, obviously I'm terrible with remembering names).

Fortunately, some bystanders were able to save the baby boy. Cheung (let's just use the actors' names since my memory banks are completely dried up) meanwhile adopts a baby girl...and raises her as a son (go figure). The baby girl grows up to be film goddess Brigitte Lin (pause to hyperventilate) star of such classics as "Dragon Inn" and "The Bride with White Hair". Meanwhile, the boy is raised by a bunch of thieves (the comic relief, actually) and rises to become their leader. Appropriately played by a-hunka-hunka-burnin-love Andy Lau (who is so hot, I have to fan myself) star of "The God of Gamblers" (with the divine Chow Yun-Fat and also Cheung Man, but I digress) and the mega-hit Infernal Affairs.

Now, there's this huge martial arts tournament (also a huge cliche) that brings them together. On their way to the tournament, Lin masquerades as a man surrounded by a coterie of female followers, while Lau travels with his posse of assorted rascals. Lau happens upon the house where Lin is staying who is in the middle of a girlish fit (a similar tantrum that Jake had when she popped her shirt to show Hamilton her bra in "Young Americans"). To the dismay of her chaperones she goes of flying in a dress (with Chinese attire during that time can anyone really tell?) and is spotted by an enthralled Lau. So (ahem) moved he was that he drools...literally.

When they meet again, Lau has the difficult task of wooing Lin who is once again the cool young master of a fearsome clan. To complicate things Lau's mom (Cheung's still alive!) is going nuts and dies horribly near the end of the movie.

Eventually, Lin succumbs and they have to flee the evil master that organized the tournament. Lin and Lau develop a fighting style where for some reason they end their movies by being in the first position for a waltz (it's supposed to be sweet, but it's kind of funny).

Most of the details of the film are murky due to the translation and since the last time I watched this was in high school, but it has made permanent residence in my All Time Top Ten Faves. Campy and loads of fun. (Fans of the genre will also enjoy "Super Heroic Trio" and "The Magic Flute" both starring the late great Anita Mui. On a side note, new HK sour beauty Karen Mok's film antics reminds me so much of Mui's brand of comedy, action, and sultriness, that I briefly confused the two.)

16 May 2004

16 May 2004

The "If you could choose your parents who would you pick?" List (nod to Zafra):

1. Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter (I bet dinners are cerebrally staggering)

2. The Beckhams (Instead of bragging "My dad can beat the crap out of your dad." I can say "My dad can beat the crap out of your dad without lifting a pinkie or breaking a sweat in his tight shirt, in any region of the world...by deploying his frenzied female fans." Plus I can do a guest interview in "Spice Girls: A Study on the Social Components that Trigger Mass Hysteria".)

3. Benoit Magimel and Juliet Binoche (daddy's symmetrically beautiful features and mommy's deep mysterious eyes and innocent yet coquettish allure; what a beautiful bunch their children will make)

4. Hillary and Bill Clinton (the ultimate political power couple and incredibly unsinkable; if they had more than one kid they could start a political dynasty with more savvy than the Kennedys)

5. Galadriel and Celeborn (hey it's a fantasy list in the first place!)

(I read in Time that Seal and Heidi Klum are together - they make sixth if only I get daddy's voice and mommy's looks)

11 May 2004

11 May 2004

My Five Comic Kings (and why)

1. Christopher Guest (as a self-possessed but fading rockstar in "This is Spinal Tap" and as a staid Bloodhound Man in "Best in Show", which he co-wrote with Eugene Levy and directed)

2. Terry Jones (in drag as a long suffering wife and mother in the hilarious skit that turned blue collar and white collar politics upside-down, playing opposite Graham Chapman and Eric Idle)

3. Michael Palin (especially memorable in The Spanish Inquisition Skit and The Lumberjack Song)

4. John Lithgow (Third Rock from the Sun; particularly in the episodes where his evil doppelganger trapped him in an invisible prison and when he performed his salute for the first time)

5. Jack Black (in all his movies, notably in High Fidelity)

14 May 2004

14 May 2004

Things you don't want to hear on the road:

Driver ng Bus: "Ano sa tingin mo, palipat natin sa kabila?"
Conductor: "Saang kabila?"
D: "Doon sa kasunod natin."
C: "Bakit papalipat pa natin?"
D: "MAHINA KASI YUNG BRAKE...DUMIDIKIT."
C: "Alalayan mo na lang, pare. Mababawasan naman sa may MRT."
D: "Baka kasi hindi na tayo umabot."

Where to, heaven or hell?

5 May 2003

5 May 2003

Top Five

Romantic Movies

1. Hero (Broken Sword and Flying Snow stole the show from Jet Li)
2. Lost In Translation (heartbreaking because the writing focused on the quiet moments when our minds process and lay meaning)
3. Sommersby (because of Jodie Foster's performance)
4. De Poolse Bruid (I love that bear of a man that played the taciturn Dutch farmer; simplicity made it doubly sweeter)
5. In The Mood For Love (Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung again; the two hold a dear place in duo heaven alongside Bogart & Bergman and Tracy & Hepburn)

Young Adult Movies

1. Ten Things I Hate About You
2. Clueless
3. I Was A Teenage Vampire (one of Jim Carrey's earliest)
4. Space Camp (there was this one totally demure kiss in the movie that our teachers were so uptight about that made this movie memorable for me)
5. Champions (hockey finally made the map)

Weird Movies

1. Temptress Moon (wedged between art-film and artsy-fartsy)
2. Dazed and Confused (there's a statement somewhere in this movie)
3. Battle Royale (just on its content who can contend otherwise? but it doesn't mean that it's not violently brilliant)
4. Boxing Helena (only the twisted, deranged and masochistic could fall in love with someone who cut off your limbs to demonstrate their devotion)
5. Street Fighter (not sure if the title is accurate; stars Andy Lau not Sonny Chiba)

Plus 100 IQ Points Movies

1. Karakter (paternal version of the Fountainhead)
2. Fight Club (anarchic glory)
3. 2001: A Space Odyssey
4. Apocalypse Now (I don't know if I should be offended for Wagner, when his Ride of the Valkyries played in that psycho scene with a swaggering Robert Duvall, as the composer has been roundly shunned because of so-called Nazi-like sentiments; or if I should applaud, because Coppola subtly connected American neo-imperialism to Nazism)
5. The Piano (it is set in the middle of a soggy and drab rainforest where there is a treasure horde of mud; Harvey Keitel is no Brad Pitt and Holly Hunter's Ada is pinch-faced, but in this film they are more sensually attractive and sympathetic than a pair of long-limbed and golden-haired French demigods exploring S&M in sparkling Paris, pasty butts considered)

Indie Movies

1. Reservoir Dogs (need this be explained? u wanna hear from Mr. Blonde? if u still have ears that is...)
2. Girlfight
3. Lost In Translation
4. Birthday Girl (I'm not sure if this is truly indie, but it felt like it since it's so artsy)
5. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Swashbuckler Movies (can a gun-totter be a swashbuckler or is this reserved to blade-swinging in tights?)

1. Robin Hood (Patrick Bergin)
2. The Mummy Returns
3. The Mark of Zorro (Tyrone Power)
4. Seven Samurai
5. Star Wars: A New Hope

Period Piece Movies

1. Le Roi Danse (Benoit Magimel. Sigh.)
2. Amadeus
3. A Room With A View (Julian Sands. Another sigh and regret that he isn't as big a star as he promised to be.)
4. (Franco Zeffirelli's) Romeo and Juliet
5. (Kenneth Brannagh's) Hamlet (the only version that I like for some reason)

Epic Movies

1. The Lord of the Rings (trilogy)
2. The Godfather I and II
3. The Ten Commandments
4. Gandhi
5. Lawrence of Arabia

Feel Good Movies

1. The Sound of Music
2. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
3. Strictly Ballroom
4. The Parent Trap (the remake, because I never got to watch the original)
5. Spy Kids

Animated Movies

1. Wicked City
2. Beauty and the Beast (what is this doing here?!)
3. Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind
4. Ninja Scroll
5. They Were Eleven

Pivotal Movies (for entirely personal reasons, then again all the lists are personal)

1. Sleepless in Seattle
2. Ninja Scroll
3. The Sound of Music
4. The Piano
5. Handsome Siblings (Andy Lau and Brigitte Lin, with Cheung Man thrown in)

***

Childhood Books

1. Edith Hamilton's Mythology
2. Enid Blyton's Robin Hood
3. Louisa May Alcott's Little Women
4. Whitefoot the Mouse (unknown)
5. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table (unknown)

Pivotal Books

1. Edith Hamilton's Mythology
2. C.S. Lewis' The Horse and His Boy
3. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes books
4. Judith McNaught's Whitney My Love (I damn the day that I was ensnared by purple prose)
5. Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead (obligatory, although not without reluctance)

18 April 2004

18 April 2004

Started collecting fan-art today. Yaoi Harry Potter pictures drew me in.

***

Top Five Musicians That I Have To List Today Because Of My Obsessive Compulsion To Document My Life:

1. Coldplay (Their music is so deceptively simple, but it's the kind that draws you in and instead of it being just a part of a small snippet of your life, it influences it, thus changing whatever future you had mapped beforehand.)

2. Linkin Park (When I listen to all the insecurity confessed in their music I feel exorcised and refreshed.)

3. NERD (Their single "She Wants To Move" has set up residence in my head and I keep seing that spaceship.)

4. Hoobastank ("The Reason" kicks ass. There are no words. This might well become the mushy theme of this decade, like Spandau Ballet's "True" or Extreme's "More Than Words" or whatever is the name of that hair rock band that sang "Two Steps Behind.")

5. Chevelle (I know they're good, but for the life of me I can't remember the two songs that made me like them in the first place.)

Special mention: The Used for their single "Blue and Yellow" and Jet for that song about a brown haired girl wearing boots.

19 April 2004

19 April 2004

Five Albums That Influenced My Musical Preferences (Continuation Of Yesterday's Compulsion):

1. Queen - Greatest Hits (That and Lisa Stansfield's second album where the first tapes I ever chose for myself. I just chose the Queen tape on a whim unaware that they had hits other than "Bohemian Rhapsody". Rock opera indeed; Freddy Mercury's death anniversary should be a holiday.)

2. The Presidents of the United States - II (Sophisticated musicality masked by pockets of honky-tonk and whimsical lyrics.)

3. The Smiths - Best I (And here I thought The Cure was THE band of the New Wave era.)

4. Fiona Apple - Tidal (Throughout first year college I was known as the girl that was obsessed with Fiona Apple. I listened to her album for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was completely in love with her music and it opened the door for Paula Cole, Tori Amos, and Bjork.)

5. Bjork - Homogenic (She in turn introduced me to the entracing heights of Electronica. After discovering her, I could confidently say that I'm open to all musical genres now.)

Special Mention:

U2 - The Best of 1980-1990 (But I was already into Eighties music around the time that I got their and The Police's greatest hits albums.)

(Bach or Haydn?) - Air On A G-String (Classical music was something to be studied and tolerated before I heard this heavenly piece.)

The Best of Village People, Donna Summer Walk Away: Collector's Edition The Best of 1977-1980, and ABBA Arrival (Disco music is in my blood now. I don't care if it's accused of trashiness and being too bubblegum.)

Carl Orff - Carmina Burana (My bridge to Richard Wagner, Cecilia Bartoli and other operatic delights.)

The Sound Of Music OST (Broadway music is so grand and uplifting.)

Bing Crosby in High Society (His performance with Old Blue Eyes pretty much cemented my love for big band and jazz music.)

***

I think I'm channeling Rob from High Fidelity. I don't know what brought this on.

5-6 April 2004

5-6 April 2004

Nothing could possibly make these last two days more dreadful, and to think that I was getting premonitions and omens before everything went downhill. Let's start from the beginning. Monday morning, while waiting for my ID pictures to develop, I was warned by the daily horoscopes in no less than two newspapers that since the moon is full in Aries, I should reign in my impatience since I was going to be temperamental for the whole day. Besides that I was fantasizing, for some morbid reason, what it would be like if was in a car accident.

I was anything but patient, when I hit the SUV in front of me going to work. I worked up a really good fit that caused the whole thing to blow way out of proportion and in the end I shelled out a thousand pesos to pacify the other driver. I was also going to be late for my first day in work and the beginning of product training, so I had to call in to Human Resources, who bless them, were understanding.

Rushing into the office my glasses fell off and one of the lens popped out, leaving me to squint one eye for the entire training session. I didn't have any more cash on hand and I was now way below my savings account's maintaining balance since I had to take out cash to pay above mentioned disgruntled driver. So I had to settle for soup and coffee during lunch.

And to top it all off, my vehicle got towed and I had to take what was remaining in my savings account to pay for its release and to earn my license back. Could things get any worse?

4 October 2003

4 October 2003

Where did Lisa Stansfield and the rest of me go? I don't even recognize myself anymore, because whatever black hole I passed had sucked all personality out of me. I never wanted to grow up this way. I wouldn't want to befriend me at all if not for that fact that I'm stuck in this body that I loathe. I find myself relating to a lot of Linkin Park songs, and when I sing the lyrics it's like I'm being exorcised. That can't be good.

25 August 2003

25 August 2003

I cut my hair quite suddenly. I was planning to let it grow to a length I could ponytail. I'm not ready to have it long, the same way I've had it all those years that I was content - or rather, stagnant. I'm afraid that my mindset will slide back to then. I don't want to be blindsided again.

27 June 2003

27 June 2003

One of the things that you learn intimately when you are plummeting towards poverty is how the adage "the best things in life are free" is full of crap. Money makes the environment for one to be able to appreciate the best, often simple things in life.

*

I envy the people who are dragging through law school like donkeys driven by their parents. If only they realize how much I want to be a donkey.

13 June 2003

13 June 2003

There is only so much I can take, and realizing that you are meant to be average…well, it's an understatement to say that it's the last straw for this oversized haystack.

3 May 2003

3 May 2003

I think a listing of my priorities is in order for posterity's sake:

1. Career or Financial Success and Stability
2. Self-actualization
3. Community (relationship with the social environment as a whole)
4. Family or building a lasting relationship

9 June 2003

9 June 2003

Dust and grease, my life is lived in dust and grease. I feel so impotent. I don't know what I'm living for.

4 May 2003

4 May 2003

I was invited last night to go to a Lez-Pinay eyeball-party. I, myself, do not self-identify to any category within the third-sex, preferring instead to remain androgynous, but I do wonder if I am really bi-sexual or simply bi-curious. Can one claim to a particular sexuality without having any actual sexual experience or relationship? I felt comfortable in the party, and I could say that I was more outgoing than usual, however questions were invited by the experience. Am I comfortable in the environment, because I do not feel threatened? Am I more reserved in an integrated environment, because I feel apprehensive around men? Do I hate men? Or do I make declarations about myself in order to kill my roots, because I feel restricted when I am labeled? Am I in reality afraid of commitment? Or is this angst a reaction to my nuclear-family's failure to create a happy environment?

22 April 2003

22 April 2003

It's now two years after I got my degree, and here we are scrimping on every red cent like mice in winter. How in hell did we get this way?

12 April 2003

12 April 2003

You need mediocrity to gain numbers. For this reason, average is the default position of the human mind. Even so, in order to maximize profits, we must strive for two things: first, to increase the efficiency of labor, and second, to reduce their cost of maintenance. In response, science has turned to cultivating the industry of mechanics and robotics in order to find a solution to the problem of human error and unreliability.

Being a laborer is akin to being caged. A nation that prides in its labor stock and commits to producing more of the same class contracts to further subjugation, and is left defenseless to the possibility of being obsolete once technology overruns it.

24 March 2003

24 March 2003

School's out!

I have mixed feelings about our Let's-Christen-The-Summer-Outing in Pansol. I'm not sure if I have the right to take the high horse, so to speak. And I may just have developed a thing for warmongers. Could be kinky.

***

I'm a Shipper!!! Here's my list:

1. Faith and Xander - BTVS (Only the way Ozmandayus writes it.)
2. Hermione and Draco - Harry Potter (I am deranged, I know!)
3. Parker and Jarod - the Pretender (Like the Parker/Broots pairing would ever work! As if!)
4. Isabel and Alex - Roswell (I thought Alex was one of the best things on the show. Then he got written off.)
5. Michael and Maria - Roswell (After the first season I tuned out.)
6. Chloe and Lex - Smallville (And I don't even watch the show!)
7. Jake and Hamilton - Young Americans (JaHammers should have a support group like AA.)
8. Ainsley and Sam - West Wing (Ainsley was the real reason I began to appreciate the show.)
9. Donna and Josh - West Wing (The Rocky Path series should have its own airtime.)
10. Janeway and Chakotay - ST:Voy (Janeway/Paris shippers desist!)
11. Seven and Harry - ST:Voy (Wouldn't it be more fun if Seven assimilated Harry than that sour holo-doc?)
12. Troi and Riker - ST:TNG (Like there was any choice, after they wrote Tasha Yar off the show, thus dashing the hopes of all Data/Tasha shippers! You know, in retrospect, a Tasha/Troi pairing would have been hot!)
13. Nerys and Odo - ST: DS9 (Who wouldn't be after reading Third Moon Rising?)
14. Xe and Gab - X:WP (This is Holy Grail people!)

And my Top Five Sitcoms List:

1. 3rd Rock From the Sun (I think this show was undeservingly underrated by viewers!)
2. Fraiser
3. Murphy Brown (Before Scott Bakula came into the picture.)
4. Will & Grace
5. Friends (the first seasons)

(I've always considered The Simpsons and Futurama as wicked funny cartoons - not sitcoms, and I watched Seinfeld more for the hype than to actually watch the show. Although, Jerry is an incredible stand up comic.)

8 March 2003

8 March 2003

I found a job yesterday…or rather the job found me. I was accepted in Sykes to work with the third wave for their MCI Project Account. Training starts in 17 April and the hours will be on the graveyard shift. Kein problem. My classes begin in the afternoon, and for the money their paying I'd gladly go to work in a tutu if they asked. Gotta practice my English!

16 February 2003

16 February 2003

I just realized! I like Ray Liotta! He's on the next Top-5 list.

29 January 2003 Growing Pains

29 January 2003

Growing Pains

I know what people think of me, that I'm "suplada" or "mayabang", and I've accepted that as part of my inability to instantly connect with people. I'm not outgoing at all, in reality I'm very insecure and I like to keep to myself so as to avoid ridicule and embarrassment. My insecurities were so crippling in elementary and high school that I clammed up during social activities and had various anxieties about menial things. For example, in arithmetic I dreaded being called in front of class to solve a problem when I knew that I would be very slow, so I hated math and avoided it as much as possible. The only thing that I liked to do was read, which was basically useless for my studies since I read pocketbooks instead of my textbooks. In high school I was referred to, not discreetly, as "the weird one". In a way I was grateful for the label, because I could hide behind it. I could act the way I wished and people would just dismiss it to my "weirdness".

23 January 2003

23 January 2003

Top 5 Favorite Comediennes: (only thought up three)

1. Megan Mullally (Karen in Will & Grace)
2. Kathy Griffin (the redhead with the sharp tongue in Suddenly Susan; I loved her cameo appearance in a Muppets movie where she has a torrid affair with Animal - gods, that killed!)
3. Joan Rivers (I've only seen her on the Oscar carpet, yet I already worship at her altar; I loved her mockumentary "Joan Rivers: the E! True Hollywood Story".)

Top 5 Favorite Comedians:

1. John Lithgow (3rd Rock From The Sun; the man is amazing - I've seen him in all genres, except action, without breaking a sweat!)
2. Rowan Atkinson (the Mr. Bean in Mr. Bean)
3. Steve Martin
4. Bill Murray
5. Sean Hayes (Jack in Will & Grace; remember the episode where he met Cher?)

27 January 2003

27 January 2003

All I ever wanted were some books and clean panties, you know. I have no problem wearing hand-me-down clothes, but there's something wrong with wearing someone's used panties. It's just not right.

*

Gods above, what a day…I got an 89 in Criminal Law 2 midterms! They don't come cheap and that makes me appreciate it so much more. When I got back the booklet I couldn't believe my eyes, and to think that I thought that was my worst exam last week. What a relief! However, my overall grade, averaged with my midterm recitation grade, is only 79.5%. My recitation was only 70%, pretty dismal if you think about it, but my exam really pulled up my standing through the QPI, which is 77, thank goodness! I feel like I can do anything. What a happy, happy day.

*

I thought up another comedienne for my list: the actress that portrayed Cybill Shepard's best friend in her short-lived show, Cybill. She's a hoot. Her portrayal of the dizzy socialite was a killer…if only I knew her name. One of her unforgettable lines was: "What's a coupon?"

4 January 2003

4 January 2003

The days stretch on to nothing and nothing. Thoughts pursue anything and anything.

21 December 2002

21 December 2002

So that's my problem. My heart has been broken. I feel betrayed, because the order of my world has been skewed. I'm hardened leather, that's why I can't accept the change. You can't break the pieces of a broken heart in two. I'm lost there's nowhere to go. I should take on more vices.

*

Remember a time when "buffet" meant to hit someone and not a free-for-all in a wedding? And when "wishy-washy" and "toodle-oo" wouldn't be mistaken for baby words?

***

My top 5 beautiful actors today:

1. Oscar Bloom (as Legolas)
2. Paul Newman (as Rocky Graziano)
3. Sean Connery (as James Bond; his last with Kim Basinger not included)
4. Josh Hartnett (too bad his career as of now is nil)
5. Robert Redford (in Barefoot in the Park)

(Vin Diesel isn't as beautiful as he is dripping with sex appeal, otherwise he could have throttled Redford for fifth.)

My top 5 beautiful actresses today:

1. Liv Tyler (in the Aerosmith videos)
2. Helena Bonham-Carter (in A Room With A View)
3. Juliette Binoche (in Mauvais Sang or Bad Blood; for some reason she looks old in Chocolat)
4. Winona Ryder (in The Age of Innocence; yes, still, even after the shoplifting brouhaha)
5. Shu Qi (in the Transporter; a friend said that her teeth looked dirty, I couldn't tell after being blinded by her legs)

1 January 2003

1 January 2003

We are at a beginning again. Amid the gaiety and noise, however, I reflect that I wasted the years of my existence. I wonder if I will heed my conscience this year, and walk the side of prudence and logic.

19 December 2002

19 December 2002

I'm typing this two hours after I arrived home from our section's Christmas party. The night started well enough - the food was excellent and the drinks were cold, plus Jem's house is a mini-city in itself - but ended in an unpleasant note. Some guys had too much to drink and lost their heads.

And I think my toenail is dying. It turned blue and looks sickly. Sigh. When it rains…

17 December 2002

17 December 2002

In chronological order:

1. Played in three-on-three half-court women's basketball game (Lex Celebrationis 2002; last I heard we were bumped from third place.)
2. Had my teeth cleaned (prophylaxis). Unplanned, but cheap.
3. Watched men's basketball. Our team rocks. Placed third.
4. Missed the freshmen's number for the cheering competition.
5. Received the bronze medal for women's singles badminton. (Which did nothing for my injured toe and pride; thank you to all the lazy bums that defaulted so that I could win.)

***

My top 10 beautiful actors (circa my preferences today; no order):

1. Gregory Peck (Roman Holiday)
2. Tyrone Power (The Mark of Zorro)
3. Timothy Dalton (Wuthering Heights; the best Bond ever!)
4. Ralph Fiennes (The English Patient)
5. Robert De Niro (Taxi Driver)
6. Benoit Magimel (Louis the XIV in Le Roi Danse)
7. Rob Lowe (West Wing)
8. Joaquin Phoenix (Gladiator)
9. Guy Pearce (only in LA Confidential; he was never able to repeat it, yet.)
10. Andy Lau (The Handsome Siblings)

1 December 2002

1 December 2002

I once encountered this question: "Do you believe that there will ever come a time when criminality would altogether stop completely?" My answer was, "Yes, because didn't He promise that at the day of His second coming good will triumph over evil, and perpetual peace will reign?" Or something like that. Sometimes I marvel how it seems that I am today worlds apart from my adolescent self.

27 October 2002

27 October 2002

In order of importance:

1. Last of series in finals is my best bet; hope I'm not wrong and pass all
2. Renewed my kink for dangly earrings; bought two
3. Trippy conversation with Romy that started on hentai, took off from deconstructionism, and ended in God; still processing half of the things we talked about
4. Libis is beautiful with lots of beautiful people; still feels lightweight though
5. Drowning, drowning, drowning in beer
6. Bonding, if you could call drunken revelry as such

20 October 2002

20 October 2002

Why did not Communism work in Russia and China? Because the intellectual elite was outnumbered. For Communism to actually work a large number of the population must be highly educated and leading active intellectual lives. Why? Because Communism demands a superior level of discipline and comprehension to allow the sacrifices needed for such an utopia to work. The drawback to this however is that Communism only appeals to concentrated groups of intensely intellectual and highly moralistic individuals who are more adept in being visionaries than actual builders. A society ripe for the takeover of a Communist regime requires an apathetic government controlled by an infantile elite, a network of ambitious men in the middle class, and a huge population of susceptible third class. Is there now a threat of a Communist takeover in the country? My opinion is no. Why? Because only two of the three requisites are present: the indifferent clique and 70% or more of the population under the poverty line. However we lack the carriers. The new generation of middle class intellectuals is not angry enough. Activism has only become a college experience for most, but not a lifetime vocation. But the government should beware because only one of the elements is missing. And that missing element is fickle and unpredictable, because this class contains most of the youth.

*

What is the use of too much heart when you do not have muscle? In time that heart becomes resentful and black.

*

In a documentary about eighties music (on Dancing in the Street, Channel V when it still existed) I came across the best description of punk, as elucidated by a female guitarist in a featured group (New Order, I think). She described it as that final counter-thrust to meet the hips of your lover at the precipice of an orgasm. Primordial, primal and pleasurable.

*

The words of faith are evasive, because if these were clear then truth would banish faith.

*

Our bodies are forged at the anvil of hardship; without, we are merely forms with no purpose.

*

The one who denied that the Church is a political animal was their political strategist.

13 October 2002 Riddle

13 October 2002

Riddle

The Fountainhead is all but my favorite book. It is like a spoiled child - demanding, difficult, exasperating and grating. In fact, I consider it a small miracle that I was able to finish it at all since I somewhat despised it from the start! However, take note that "somewhat" is the operative word in the last sentence. Somewhat deterred, yes, but a lingering curiosity to answer why Rand's celebrated work is so controversial propelled me to read a third of it. By then, I had confirmed my suspicions that it is a truly despicable piece of crap and I abandoned it for more interesting reading, but damn the harpy authoress she had sneakily planted a kernel of thought in my head!

Every loneliness is a pinnacle.

Digest that arrogant phrase above. Isn't it awful how it proudly declares, how contemptuous it adjudicates, how severe it analyzes? The phrase encapsulates the anti-hero's analysis of Howard Roark's ideology, or rather, the lack of Roark's adherence to ideology.

Who is Howard Roark you ask? He is the most one-dimensional and uninteresting of all characters I have ever encountered in the literary world. He is, to the novel's misfortune, the hero. And the anti-hero? He is Ellsworth Monkton Toohey, the "conscience", nucleus and catalyst of the story.

"Then why submit this essay at all?" I add to the questions posed. Well, aren't YOU intrigued to know why "every loneliness is a pinnacle"? When our convoluted logic dictates that a celebration is not one without a platoon of fawning admirers? When achievement is without, if there is no contribution of effort? When no one gets to the top of Mt. Everest, without the rope manufactured by an underpaid and overworked laborer?

Is it fair of me to answer that question here? No. If you want to know how that reasoning works in Rand's skewed universe, then it is up to you to find out! Mt. Everest is conquered by sheer will for the simple pleasure of enriching life! There, I have conceded part of the answer already, but if you wish to understand how the sum was arrived at, then you must work out the equation itself.

Perhaps, this essay would be better if I revealed the work's effect to my life, but haven't you been paying attention? It has made me mad! I'm certified and ripe for the loony bin! Haven't I been intrusive in ordering you to read the book for yourself to discover why it is wonderful? Haven't I been tiresome in asking all these questions instead of giving you the answers? Haven't I wasted this space in insisting that you make an effort? That is, if you haven't left already and you wouldn't be reading this sentence.

All right, just to keep you few stalwart readers who have come this far interested, not only does the Fountainhead have a love triangle, it has a love rectangle. Even a pentagon! A hexagon! A heptagon! On final count, the novel is a veritable love fest! An orgy even!

Shockingly, the object of all the characters' desire whether evasive, clear, stirring, masochistic, or sadistic is not even a character or a thing in the book itself. Believe it or not, all of them are pursuing a relationship with that lonesome phrase above! Yes, the one without any sentences surrounding it. To reiterate:

Every loneliness is a pinnacle.

I bet that those that have read the book have lost their eyebrows to the stratosphere. Maybe they expected me to wax poetic about the tele-novela proportions of the complications between Howard and Dominique, then Peter, and then the publisher guy whose name isn't worth mentioning here since he is completely despicable and unworthy of forgiveness. Read between the lines! Howard, Dominique and the publisher guy aren't in love with each other. Their relationship is actually based on the creation of a mutual admiration society of like-minded individuals who crowned Peter as their mascot for their amusement. For those uninitiated keep your eyes peeled for the scene where Dominique accidentally slips out that she found Roark handsome and reveals a chink in her armor to Toohey, who was more than delighted to discover that Achilles heel. How can she find the gangly, fiery haired, and wide-mouthed architect who has the social grace of a slug attractive?

"You can't possible consider Toohey's situation to be the same?" you cry out incredulously. But I counter-pose, could he have been able to admit that every loneliness is a pinnacle if he had not acknowledged his respect for that idea? He is a spurned lover.

28 September 2002

28 September 2002

No man is an island entire of itself…Any man's death diminishes me for I am involved in mankind and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. John Donne

I am an only child from a broken family, yet I have no real animosity against my father and his other family. I am an agnostic that admires Christ. I am an anarcho-libertarian socialist that is conservative on abortion and feminism. Globalization has its uses, but the WTO is a mere tool of neo-imperialism. I'm Machiavellian, yet I don't agree with Mao when he said that power is at the end of a barrel of a gun. I love Hollywood, but let's face it Dubya is a political idiot.

You know what? I never want to know who I am, because I never want life to become stagnant. Any man's death diminishes me, because that contrary person enriched my life. Revel in your complexity. Revel in your individuality. Love your confusion; this means you are alive! I don't think that guilt is the question, but is there really anything to forgive?

20 September 2002 (tomorrow is the anniversary of the proclamation of martial law)

20 September 2002 (tomorrow is the anniversary of the proclamation of martial law)

As long as someone holds the torch the flame will never die. (Unless it's a windy day.)

*

I've forgotten what it's like to feel good being with a group. No matter how much I cherish the days that stretch in emotional isolation, I've come to acknowledge, then appreciate, then respect, the importance and necessity to interact. Regrettably, in my tardiness, I missed out on a lot when countless opportunities perched then flew (doubtless disgusted at my obtuseness).

20 August 2002

20 August 2002

My mind has been irreversibly depraved by my exposure to pornography. Whatever virtue is tainted, whatever innocence perverted. Because I have been loosed from the ropes of propriety my thoughts wander like a madman.

17 August 2002

17 August 2002

Like most of those in my condition within society - middle class, good education, airs of an academic, and snobbishly left leaning liberal - I readily fall into the clichéd habit of cynicism towards government. Government, per se, is the thinking man's fetish. Anyone who has experienced a liberal arts education at the university level is a connoisseur of politics. Unlike French and their wine, however, we always favor vintages outside our fence. Who hasn't heard of a professor extolling the virtues of the British experience, for instance?

28 June 2002 Ryan's Letter

28 June 2002

Mrs. Mariliz S. Fazonela
World's Greatest Mother
Metro Manila, Philippines

Dear Mommy:

Good day!

This is with regards to my feelings of love and affection for you. If you recall we had initiated our contract, our being mother and son, some years back on January 16 (which happens to be our mutual birthday!). It was a very memorable day for me because it was the first time we met face to face, and even then with your face looking exhausted, needing mascara, ointment for your eye bags, chap stick for your lips, and your hair matted with sweat (for my part I was naked and hanging upside-down) I knew that we were going to have a long and fruitful relationship.

I admit there have been days that weren't so harmonious, and times that were as rocky as the Grand Canyon but we persevered because ours is the kind of love that lasts, and lasts, and lasts, and...well, you get the picture. I have decided to forward this letter to your good office (which is one door down from my room in our house) to formalize the details of our relationship. First, I promise to be as good a son that any red-blooded Pinoy teenager can be, which isn't by much. Second, I concede with great reluctance to clean my room - but I still won't do the windows. Third, I will allow the hugging, the cuddling, the kissing that you just have to do when you can't resist your, ahem, adorable son. Fourth, okay I'll go easy on my brother, but I still say that he was the one that broke your favorite vase - cross my heart! Finally, I promise that you'll always come first (except on basketball nights with Dad - you understand don't you?)

I hope that all muddled areas of our contract have been cleared up, and here is to our continued harmonious relationship.

Lovingly,

Amhir Ryan S. Fazonela
Your Devoted Son

2 June 2002

2 June 2002

What kind of person would revel in the rain? The kind that recognizes cruelty and is grateful for it. The kind that has seen unkindness thriving in the light and has felt a sense of redemption in the numb melancholy that rain mysteriously evokes.

12 May 2002

12 May 2002

I'm wondering until when - before I self-destruct from exhaustion.

05 May 2002

05 May 2002

Watched Spiderman movie with Heinji. Completely blew my mind. Love Sam Raimi.

22 April 2002

22 April 2002

In History moderate opinions are in time held as near-truths.

13 October 2001

13 October 2001

People have always told me that I don't do things right. I've been told that with my looks I should pay more attention to primping. I've been told that I walked like a man because I strode to fast. I've been told that I'm too aloof and that I need to be more forthcoming. I've been told that I don't listen at all and that I read too much. I've been told that I'm too frank. I've been told that I'm too kind. I've been told my name doesn't fit me because it's too feminine. I've been told that my nickname is too cute for me. I've been told that I think too much and that nothing really deserves that much thought. I've been told to shut up during "grown up" talk. I've been told that I'm weird on the phone...I've also been told that I'm just plain weird. I've been told that I'm arrogant, obnoxious, and too high-brow. I've been told that I'm a prude and a goody-goody. I've been told that I'm too abrupt.

Pseudo-pundits and amateur shrinks have been breathing down my neck for years, and to them I say here in writing, "Viva yo!" Which, translated from Spanish, roughly means, "Hurrah for me! And to hell with the rest of you!"

I am not your lap-dog. If you think you can break my back then try to do so...but don't expect me to deliver my spine to you! You'll never get your grubby hands on my soul, because I'll never allow it to be subjected to you!

Why should I care for the opinions of people who can hardly come up with an opinion about themselves? Who do not know themselves? Who has to rely on others to measure themselves up? If they are not sure of themselves, then how in the world can they be sure of others?

24 September 2001

24 September 2001

The formality of wear deteriorates toward the weekend. Mondays are strictly professional. Tuesdays - minus the coat. Wednesdays are celebrated with cotton. Thursdays teeter between smart casual and plain casual - which is tipped in favor of the latter come Friday. But throughout the week it's flat shoes - or dead feet!

21 September 2001

21 September 2001

An hour to go before I'm free. It's Friday and I should be elated, but Saturdays aren't liberated from the grind. Crummy, crummy boss. As Pavlov's dog I've been conditioned to drool on Fridays and to whimper at the threat of work. Believe me when I say that it's hard to pull that off. I'm backed to a corner with half my shirt wet and my features transfixed in a hilarious expression between a smirk and a pout. All this effort had made my face red, twitchy and hurting. To say that I look "unbecoming" right now would be an understatement - I look beyond Garbage-Pail-Kids-gross. My boss is giving me the stink-eye and I don't blame him. I doubt that it's in a receptionist's job description to scare the visitors away.

September 2001

September 2001

I found her playing a primitive kind of table tennis using a tiny ball of crumpled paper and two mismatched ballpens - one with a cap and one that clicks - pinched by her index fingers and thumbs. The pens scraped at the table top and the ball haplessly made shuffling noises as it rolled left and right.

"What are you doing?" I ask

"Well, since I don't have a trash can I might as well enjoy my garbage."

30 August 2001 Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl

30 August 2001

Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl's plot is so simple I could tell it to you now in a few lines. There's a little bit of help if you know something about the Communist revolution in China and Mao's Great Leap Forward, but that's provided in a clearly printed summary at the beginning of the film. However, what you won't get from not watching the movie is the hopelessness and heartbreak that can only be communicated through human expression, and which the unending grasslands of China beautifully frame.

How a movie makes me feel, either to be sympathetic or to be repulsed, is what, for me, separates great movies from ordinary movies. This one definitely made me feel - it set my teeth to grinding, in fact. I have no idea if Lopsang does look like a sun-kissed Tibetan wilderness man, but I wanted to wring his neck and compel him to do something spectacularly heroic along the lines of Jet Li's Once Upon a Time in China series. Alas, it wouldn't be realistic.

You and I know that reality is frustrating, and that facts are never black or white but a mundane shade of gray. Admittedly, I often fashion romantic interpretations to grand ideas and to prominent figureheads. Although my lily-livered alter ego has prevented me from being an activist, it hasn't stopped me from flirting with Communism. Maybe it is for want of the discipline or control that is sadly absent in my life that makes living in a regimented commune inviting. It could also be that my dissatisfaction over my lack of status and power in society has introduced me to radicalism. All I know is that the Catholic teaching that I used to eat and spout is now not enough to medicate me through life. It's like finding immunity to Prozac.

However, it is films like this that, ironically, rips off my rose-tinted glasses and forces me to understand that as much as I'd want to idealize, reality is never perfect. Pundits and philosophers may debate about what went wrong in the Chinese experience no matter how good (at least in paper) the intentions and ideas were of their leaders, but it somehow never brings justice to the effect on millions under this social experiment.

Just as the innocent were lost in the Crusades, the blindly faithful gave their lives to the Fuehrer, and the nationalistic were shipped to Vietnam, those urban Chinese youth sent to the provinces to learn among simple folk were deployed to battle for a pointless intellectual idea that had little to do with them, but meant a lot for the image of the political elite. Be very leery of those in government who only tell you positive things, because ten-to-one they're sweeping the dirt under the carpet. Worse, they're doing it to dumb you down.

23 July 2001 Insecurities

23 July 2001

Insecurities

I believe that the present world system can be improved. I believe that Capitalism is a faulty system of material reality that grew out of the less nobler instincts of humankind, however I feel that I cannot blame the proponents of Capitalism for their beliefs. They have their own unique experiences that have made their convictions and I think that whatever kinks there are in the present world system was born out of "cause and effect" and not of malicious intent. I think that I may be gravitating towards a socialist view in my interpretation of everyday life. Specifically, I think that I am becoming a Libertarian Socialist. I have come to this conclusion because I do not like the thought of too much power being monopolized, leaving the rest of us high and dry. Libertarian Socialists oppose all forms of hierarchy whether it is Capitalist or Communist. This view states that the concentration of power leads to the oppression of the majority in a society. Society is in fact a trap because it forces specific roles in the individuals within it. I believe in individualism, and for me this means that I have the right to have an opinion based on my own conclusions which in turn gives me due license to interpret reality as I see fit. This is a freedom that I can have only when the rest of every individual in the planet has the same liberty. I stress "the same liberty" but I do not mean that everyone should be forced to exercise this liberty. Everyone has a different idea of what is happiness. Having independent thought is my happiness and I leave everyone to find his or her own interpretation of it. I don't think that my conclusions are infallible, nor do I insist that I am correct. In fact, I am not sure that I will ever undoubtedly know that I am right. It is because I see reality as subjective that I feel that I do not have the ethical license to encroach on other people's beliefs. Still, as a person subject to my own emotions I plead that I should be forgiven for bursts of passionate babble, for sarcastic remarks, for mocking/snide statements, for arrogant manifestos…for feeling, period.

My fear is that I may have actually not fallen far from the tree. There is a possibility that I am still in the shadow of mainstream ideology, and that in reality I am a closet conservative. I say this because I cannot help but romanticize opulence. Right now, the fact that I am writing in English - the universal language; the business language; the language of the rich - gives me irrational thrill. I feel hoity-toity. Somehow, I feel smarter. In fact, I am going to post this on my website so that I could invite other people to read this. In turn, I will probably hope that they tell me that I am brilliant, that I am honest, and that I am better than average. I want to bask in praises for using words like "bask". I like being patted on the back and told that I am a good girl. I want my fifteen minutes of fame to last forever. I want to be able to live in the White House, kick out the POTUS, and be powerful enough to kick sand on the face of every influential person today and get away with it. This is the part that gets me confused. How can I say that I do not like the thought of power being monopolized when I want to monopolize it? How can I say that I dislike hierarchies, when I want to be on top of the heap?

My big personal questions are: Am I flirting with Socialism to make me feel good about me? Am I entertaining these thoughts so that I could brag about it? Am I using other people's ideas as an excuse for my hedonistic fantasies? Am I, in fact, a fascist? You know, Adolf Hitler was a Taurus who dabbled in painting. I am a Taurus who could have gone into painting. It makes me wonder if an astrologist will see that in my stars I am heavily influenced by Aries - which Linda Goodman pointed out as the reason for Hitler's cruelty. If I were him - treated like a rock star and with Germany at my feet - would I have gone down his way? Would I have even collected the Jews in camps to gas them, or callously order them to be shot outright upon identification? Am I capable of that given the reigns of power? Fame is just a suffix or prefix to power yet it made the great John Lennon carelessly declare that the Beatles were more popular than Jesus Christ. If fame can turn your head like that, imagine what would happen if you had concrete authority to fulfill your desires.

Have I found myself out? Am I a fake?

11 June 2001

11 June 2001

Gordy tried again. He snorted and made retching sounds. All of which gave his roommate, Spaz, icky wicky feelings.

"Would you stop that, please! You're making me hurl!"

Ignoring Spaz, Gordy continued…well, whatever he was doing. That is, until a pillow hit him on the head with blinding accuracy.

"What are you doing anyway? Are you sick or are you trying to mine ancient boogers out of your nostrils?" Spaz said with distaste.

"I'm trying to loosen my nasal skin…or flesh, or whatever. I want to snore like that guy on TV snores."

"Whaaat???"

"You know…Eddie," Gordy elaborated waving a pale arm, "that guy on 'We Follow Your Mundane Life'."

"Why, for the life of me, would you want to snore like Eddie?"

"Janet said it was cute."

"The same Janet that called the alien in Alien cute?"

"Please. Let's have an open mind here."

Otherwise Maladroit

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Thursday, January 12, 2006 Absolutely Last Entry

Thursday, January 12, 2006 OK, Penultimate Entry

Friday, January 06, 2006

Friday, January 6, 2006

Friday, December 30, 2005

August 1997 Ideology paper for History I, Mr. A. Esguerra

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Friday, December 23, 2005

Friday, December 23, 2005

24 May 1999

10 January 2001 Written for Pulitika Issue 3

22 August 2001

16 June 2002

25 May 2003

09 November 2003

Retro Posting Not Quite Finished: 27 May 2005

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nota Bene: Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Retro Posting Finish: 01 August 2004

27 June 2004 Tales From Call Center Hell

26 June 2004

21 June 2004

12 June 2004

06 June 2004

03 June 2004

02 June 2004

31 May 2004

28 May 2004

26 May 2004

19 May 2004

15 May 2004

16 May 2004

11 May 2004

14 May 2004

5 May 2003

18 April 2004

19 April 2004

5-6 April 2004

4 October 2003

25 August 2003

27 June 2003

13 June 2003

3 May 2003

9 June 2003

4 May 2003

22 April 2003

12 April 2003

24 March 2003

8 March 2003

16 February 2003

29 January 2003 Growing Pains

23 January 2003

27 January 2003

4 January 2003

21 December 2002

1 January 2003

19 December 2002

17 December 2002

1 December 2002

27 October 2002

20 October 2002

13 October 2002 Riddle

28 September 2002

20 September 2002 (tomorrow is the anniversary of the proclamation of martial law)

20 August 2002

17 August 2002

28 June 2002 Ryan's Letter

2 June 2002

12 May 2002

05 May 2002

22 April 2002

13 October 2001

24 September 2001

21 September 2001

September 2001

30 August 2001 Xiu Xiu: The Sent Down Girl

23 July 2001 Insecurities